Sam's Life Hotpot

Tag: Resilience

  • My house is burning, and I did not bother to care or escape: why I am writing this blog. 

    Don’t worry, this is just a metaphor. I don’t even have my own house — I’m a renter.

    The reason I’m writing this blog is simple: I live with several mental health issues — depression, ADHD, social and general anxiety, and complex trauma. Maybe it’s because of these diagnoses, or maybe it’s something else — I honestly don’t know. But I used to ruin my own life.

    I finally got into the university and the course I wanted, yet I didn’t attend classes or work on my assignments. I once had a job, but I began taking sick leave almost every day because I could barely sleep five hours a night. It’s not hard to guess what happened next — I failed all six units I was enrolled in and eventually lost my job.

    What scared me the most wasn’t that I messed up my studies and career. It was that I knew the consequences of my actions — or inactions. I knew if I didn’t show up at work or class, I’d fail and lose everything, yet I still didn’t care — or couldn’t act to change it.

    It felt like noticing a small flame in my house. Instead of putting it out immediately, some strange force — my own thoughts or emotions — dragged me down until I was just lying there, watching the fire grow. Only when it nearly burned the house down and blocked all the exits did my survival instinct suddenly awaken, pushing me to escape. Then came the self-blame, regrets, and endless “what ifs,” which pulled me back into paralysis. By the time my survival instinct kicked in again, the house had already collapsed.

    It wouldn’t have been easy to run anyway — my weight had increased a lot due to binge eating. All my efforts came to fruition in August 2024: I lost both my job and my studies. What an achievement.

    And that’s how this blog began. I’ve started to notice progress — real progress — and I genuinely feel more positive about my journey. I want to share that with whoever happens to read this, or simply use this space as a tree hole to record my life.

    I feel positive not because I believe I’ll be free from negative thoughts or become a nonstop productive machine, but because I finally have confidence that I’m on the right path. Even if I wander off, I know I’ll find my way back and keep going.

    The completion of this entry itself is proof — I paused for a while, and I came back, without self-blame, regret, “what ifs,” or the urge to give up.

    9 p.m., October 22, 2025 — at a laundrette in Rome

  • My life feels hard — maybe because I’m living it

    Everything comes with a price—especially the free life I’ve wanted for so long. I chose Darwin for many reasons. To most people, it’s just a name on a map, but for me, it’s where I live every day. Life here is not easy. Maybe I’m not the strongest person, but only now do I see how hard it has been. That’s why I cried so hard tonight.

    Still, I know these struggles are the price I have to pay for the life I want. In that way, I’m actually happy—even while in tears—because it means I’m moving toward my dream. The hardness of it makes it feel real. I need to learn to enjoy this journey. And for the things I don’t have yet, I should be patient—maybe it’s just not the right time for them to come into my life.

    I wrote these feelings back in 2017, when I was studying at university to migrate to Australia. I wanted permanent residency (PR) so badly, but I had to finish my four-year degree first, and I had only just started. Life wasn’t easy at that time: I felt isolated, I was yearning for someone to love me, and I had to cook BBQ stews under Darwin’s harsh sun just to cover rent and groceries. One night, I just cried, asking myself why I had chosen such an exhausting and difficult path, just like the struggles I’d faced before: came out to my family, moved to a new country for love, then moved to another city, then came to Australia. Then I realized it was all because of my own choices. I told myself I should be “happy,” because the pain made it real—it meant I was truly on my way to the life I dreamed of.

    I wanted the PR so badly at that time, and the more eager I was, the more painful life felt. And the more painful it felt, the more eager I became. My life was trapped in an endless circle. Now, I still want so many things in my life, and at the same time, I also feel like I don’t know what I really want. I guess I need to remind myself that I need to be patient—maybe this is just not the right time for me to have it. And time has proved that I will get there one day.