Everything comes with a price—especially the free life I’ve wanted for so long. I chose Darwin for many reasons. To most people, it’s just a name on a map, but for me, it’s where I live every day. Life here is not easy. Maybe I’m not the strongest person, but only now do I see how hard it has been. That’s why I cried so hard tonight.
Still, I know these struggles are the price I have to pay for the life I want. In that way, I’m actually happy—even while in tears—because it means I’m moving toward my dream. The hardness of it makes it feel real. I need to learn to enjoy this journey. And for the things I don’t have yet, I should be patient—maybe it’s just not the right time for them to come into my life.
I wrote these feelings back in 2017, when I was studying at university to migrate to Australia. I wanted permanent residency (PR) so badly, but I had to finish my four-year degree first, and I had only just started. Life wasn’t easy at that time: I felt isolated, I was yearning for someone to love me, and I had to cook BBQ stews under Darwin’s harsh sun just to cover rent and groceries. One night, I just cried, asking myself why I had chosen such an exhausting and difficult path, just like the struggles I’d faced before: came out to my family, moved to a new country for love, then moved to another city, then came to Australia. Then I realized it was all because of my own choices. I told myself I should be “happy,” because the pain made it real—it meant I was truly on my way to the life I dreamed of.
I wanted the PR so badly at that time, and the more eager I was, the more painful life felt. And the more painful it felt, the more eager I became. My life was trapped in an endless circle. Now, I still want so many things in my life, and at the same time, I also feel like I don’t know what I really want. I guess I need to remind myself that I need to be patient—maybe this is just not the right time for me to have it. And time has proved that I will get there one day.
